styling class: week 11, post 1

Warning: An unpleasant post that is a bit related to fashion and has no pretty pictures to redeem the awful content. 

So I have a little confession to make: I've been feeling a bit disconnected from my interest in fashion and my personal style recently.  At first, I thought I was having some kind of style crisis as I've become less attached to the cute, girly style of K is for Kani and Keiko Lynn and identifying with more simple and sophisticated ensembles as often worn by Blushing Ambition and park&cube.  But then, I realized that's not really it either.  As I scroll through my 600+ daily posts from various fashion blogs, I find that there is little that I like, little that I'm interested in seeing more of despite the fact that I read blogs of so many different types of styles.  I've asked myself why this is, why do I all of the sudden, to put it bluntly, do not give a damn?  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that personal style has always been a reflection of my life.
More silly confessions: Freshman year of college (which is when i believe my interest in fashion started), I started to truly embrace the girly girl in me.  I wore lots of pinks, lace, chiffon fabrics, floral patterns, headbands, etc.  I was all about being a girl's girl and still had that hope of finding someone to fall madly in love with in college.  I had such an optimistic outlook on life, and love, and the way I dressed practically screamed "Love me!".  Things started to go downhill the next year, and after more than a few unpleasant ends to relationships, I had enough of boys, hope, and all that crap I idealized in freshman year.  I chopped my hair to the shortest it's ever been since I was 4, wore heavier makeup, and made dark neutrals a staple of my wardrobe.  Of course, there'd be that girly skirt I'd wear every now and then, but it looked a whole lot different on me than it did the previous year.  Due to internships/work/interviews last semester, people rarely saw me out of work suits.
Then, now happened.  The issues in my life have been passive - as in I don't actively react to my problems for fear of hurting myself and other people.  I tell myself, Phebe, only x more weeks in this shithole.  I'm sick of extracurriculars, college events, public and private parties, and a good number of my friends.  My classes have actually become the  one thing I've consistently enjoyed, and that's just plain awful.  So how does this reflect my personal style?  I see myself more and more in my gym shorts, a free Rice t-shirt, and the grandpa cardigan I wear when I'm lounging around.  I've honestly tried to care more, to put as much or even more effort into how I dress than in the past, but every single time I put on some of my nice clothes, I don't feel like myself anymore.  I feel like a poser, posing as Phebe in the past or the future, but certainly not Phebe of the present.  When I'm complimented for my style, I feel undeserving and ashamed.
I feel that the timing of this identity/style crisis is so unfortunate.  While this class has been wonderful in forcing me to become more aware of other styles and should certainly relate to my awareness for my own style,  I feel like I'm underperforming.  What has been on this blog so far has been a reflection of my knowledge of style, of fashion, of what works and what doesn't.  It hasn't been a reflection of who I am currently - because I've really been struggling with that.  I realize that what I've been lacking is this "Execution" node - but how do I execute when all I feel is detachment from so many aspects of my life?  What if, this uniform of gym shorts, a big t-shirt, and this old grandpa cardigan becomes the thing I feel most "me" in, the most comfortable and least  annoyed at life in?  I think the once stylish Phebe would cringe and die from this statement.
I've thought about how to overcome this problem.  Since I'm absolutely sick and fed up with my surroundings here at Rice, I've been going home on the weekends to feel different - to feel happier.  It seems like only in a setting with the lack of all things college, can I actually sit down and happily concoct an outfit.  So I'm not really sure what the point of this long rant is.  Maybe I needed to hear everything out for myself, and maybe I feel that I owe this kind of a disclaimer to anyone that reads this blog - especially Deanne, who's been helping me a lot with finding out what it is I need to work on.

With all of this said, however, I have been thinking a lot about these weekly assignments.  In fact, during the 3 hours of STAT 385 every week, I plan the week's outfits and look for the inspiration I need.  The work I've actually been doing will come up in a post tomorrow.